Hope Less Ness
by StillbornAngel
Summary: I yearn for your touch, but it's eating me alive. It's burning me like acid. Some angsty thoughts about a relationship that should have never been


It's hot, I'm hot. The air's too thick to breathe, every intake becomes a silent torture, like a thousand needles eating you from inside out.  
  
Glimming fire that burns and destroys everything in its way.  
  
Destroy me.  
  
Release me, for I am not able to do it myself.  
~~ Catch me as I fall  
  
~~ Say you're here and it's all over now  
  
~~ Speaking to the atmosphere  
  
~~ No one's here and I fall into myself  
I don't know who I am anymore. Sometimes I just can't be more than a dead doll, cause that's the only explanation for my behaviour. Why else wouldn't I show any reaction when my heart is bleeding red blood? Then again I can't be a doll either for dolls are emotionless.  
  
And I know that I am hurting inside.  
~~ Now that I know what I'm without  
  
~~ You can't just leave me  
  
~~ Breathe into me and make me real  
  
~~ Bring me to life  
  
~~ Bring me to life  
  
~~ I've been living a lie  
  
~~ There's nothing inside  
  
~~ Bring me to life  
He came to visit me yesterday. Shall I laugh or weep when he comes around?  
  
While my soul screams for his presence it seems my heart breaks with it.  
  
He visited me and I think he won't do it again. Won't visit me again. I wonder why he doesn't slit my throat with one single movement. Better than to leave me rotting.  
  
Please do not only take my soul with you but take my heart as well.  
  
There's no hope left.  
  
We both sat on my bed yesterday. I was leaning against the cold of the wall while he laid his head down on my lap, closing his eyes as if in pain. In times like these I wonder if he's also hurting like I do.  
  
When I bent down to wipe a single strand of hair out of his face he turned his head away and I think I already knew at that time that there were no more words necessary. No phrase could ever state what this simple gesture showed so clearly. And so I closed my eyes in pain as well, hoping for silence. Maybe hoping for one last moment with him in my arms.  
  
"Don't." He whispered, burrying his head in my womb and therefore muffling his words. " You're just harming yourself."  
~~ Don't let me die here  
  
~~ There must be something wrong  
  
~~ Bring me to life  
And I kept silent, altough I really wanted to ask why he should be able to hurt me while I was not allowed to. He had to be aware of the fact that he was burning me with every fleeting touch, with every softly spoken word and every aspect that was simply him.  
  
"I'm thirsty." I declared suddenly and he finally looked up again. I could tell he was confused by my abrupt change of the topic, but I didn't really care. I wanted to drink to get his poison out of my system.  
  
Fuck me, I'm sick.  
_____________________  
I'm so tired. God, I'm so tired, but I can't sleep.  
  
I'm seeing his face in front of me every time I close my lids, see him smiling at me, see him kissing his beloved in front of me while my head is bursting.  
  
For the last weeks and months I used opium to actually get some sleep. Worms and snakes and insects, haunt me, haunt me, make me forget.  
  
Do you know how it feels to be pushed aside? Not being needed by the person you need the most?  
  
It's not as if you can't live on. Oh, you certainly can. But you think you can't and you live like you can't and you're throwing everything away that is still important to you and your future life, because you just can't concentrate anymore.  
  
And the worst thing is that you can't blame anyone for your failure, it was you who didn't change fate after all.  
  
Sometimes I wonder why I didn't ever turn back. Didn't get as involved as I am now. I should have just walked away when we met for the first time in the discotheque. I should have just left him, when we were drinking together in a pub. And I should have never looked into his eyes and never should have gotten the chance to get to know him better. And I definately should have never slept with him.  
  
If only I had never fallen in love with him.  
  
Yeah, I know what you're thinking.  
  
It's always easy to say what should have been and what shouldn't.  
  
The problem is you can't undo something that has happened. Something that has gotten inside of you in such a high concentration that it filled all of your veins with this lethal - nonlethal - poison.  
  
And now look at me, sitting in front of my computer and putting my thoughts into words because I don't know how else to cope with it anymore. Because I feel as if my whole world is collapsing and I'm not able to fix the broken pieces that were once my life.  
~~ You're waiting for someone  
  
~~ To put you together  
  
~~ You're waiting for someone to push you away  
  
~~ There's always another wound to discover  
  
~~ There's always something more you wish he'd say  
We phoned yesterday and I don't know why I reacted the way I did anymore. Cold and repelling. Maybe that's just a way to protect me from further harm. I used to do that all the time in the past.  
  
Or maybe I'm just jealous and the silent longing for him is eating me up.  
  
I have waited for an appearance of his part for days.  
  
Please tell me why I'm feeling like I'm being torn apart inside of me while I'm actually tearing me apart myself.  
  
He sounded good humoured and I silently wondered how he could be fine while I was sitting here and cutting my arms bloody.  
  
I waited for a word from him for days and I know I should move to a place I've never been before and start anew.  
  
But that's something my mind tells me, my heart won't go through with it.  
  
So when he finally rang me up and he just wanted to tell me something irrelevant I think something inside of me just ... snapped. Especially when he told me that he was in a hurry and couldn't really take the time to talk to me.  
~~ But you'll just sit tight and watch it unwind  
  
~~ It's only what you're asking for  
  
~~ And you'll be just fine with all of your time  
  
~~ It's only what you're waiting for  
To put it simple: it hurt. It really hurt.  
  
And half of me wanted to hurt him just like he hurt me all the time.  
  
So when he asked how I was feeling I got the urge to scream, to cry, to laugh. And I wondered if he really wanted to know the truth.  
  
"I live." I told him and hung up.  
~~ I am everything you want  
  
~~ I am everything you need  
  
~~ I am everything inside of you  
  
~~ That you wish that you could be  
  
~~ I say all the right things  
  
~~ But I mean nothing to you  
  
~~ And I don't know why 


End file.
